BusterB: Alternatives to Dating

Thoughts for the day, after reading more of NiceGuy's reader feedback. Originally written 03 July 2002, Wednesday 13:25.

Relationships are like a career. You have to do career training. A deep love relationship with a woman¹ requires a lot of false starts, acres and acres of time and energy, and a commitment to constant improvement and refinement. Whether you want to call that other person The Other, a woman, the love of your life, or whatever her name is—whatever role she's filling at any given moment—the fact is that relating to her and living with her isn't something you can derive from theory (otherwise I'd be good at it). To really have a relationship with a woman work, you have to put more time and energy into it than you put into your career, your leisure time, or even yourself.
After you've put in all of that energy and time, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. Now, most men opt for relationships with women, and then end up—one way or another—devoting most of their waking hours to getting that relationship to work out well. Along the way, these men must wonder (I know that I do) whether all of this is worth the trouble. Especially these days, when (American) women tend to treat men like imbeciles, contemptible lower life forms, and/or servants, it's becoming increasingly open to question whether these women are worth the effort. Now, there is a minority of men publicly asking exactly that... and this even though most men don't even think about how much work a relationship is until they're in the midst of one. It must be getting bad when men on the outside of relationships looking in wonder if they should even bother, and men caught in the mælstrom of a relationship receive such a strong impression that they can perceive it above the din of the endless demands of their female partners. Yes, it must be getting bad indeed.
The only problem is, what's the alternative? Spend less time working on the relationship and more time making yourself happy? That's just a ticket to an even worse relationship, since no matter how good or awful your partner is, the thing still requires work, time, and effort.²
The only alternative, really, is to eschew long-term relationships altogether. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't get laid. It just means that the whole dream—that of a stable marriage with a woman who appreciates you as much as you appreciate her, a reasonable woman who isn't afraid of hard work and who sees the two of you as a cooperating team—just isn't what it used to be, so one logical conclusion is that you should enjoy a woman's company until she becomes irritating, and then get rid of her.
Another possibility is to become a monk and have no relationships with women that are not purely platonic. Now, this doesn't mean that women won't still be hitting on you. Even if you became a priest and went around with a cassock and collar on all day long, I'm sure that women would still hit on you. They seem to have a fascination for things they're not allowed to have. Go figure. However, if you could remember what the alternative to abstinence is (misery), I figure that you could brave it for a lifetime.
A third possibility is to make yourself useless to women. Here is a page torn from Jesus' book. Jesus admonished all of us to give up our worldly possessions and follow Him. I think that in some senses this is a purely practical piece of advice. I mean, think of this. If you gave up on the male imperative to make lots of money, then you could live a much happier and lower-stress life. Why do you want to make lots of money anyway? Well, you could be very comfortable and be spared unpleasant things about life (or so you think). The reality is that money brings women, and they bring their demands, and soon you don't have enough money any more. I know. I used to have more than enough money for my needs. Now I don't have enough. The only thing that changed was that I got married. So why do you want lots of money? Well, the other common reason is to impress women. However, again, money only attracts women; it doesn't impress them. Nothing will ever impress them. They'll simply spend your money (as they consider it their birthright to do) and then demand more. So, no joy there. Now, imagine yourself as relatively poor. You have enough to get by, but just scrape by. You do what you enjoy and get paid poorly for it. You volunteer to become a missionary in Guatemala and help people for the rest of your life. Guess what? The only women you'll attract will want you as a little bit on the side. If you look good and are fun to be with, you may be a boy toy, but no woman would think of marrying you and putting the monkey on your back, because you simply aren't useful to her to better her own life. So, self-imposed poverty is also self-imposed single-hood, which might just be the happiest state you can be in as a man.

¹ Probably for gay couples as well. I just prefer to write about my experience. As for women's experiences trying to learn to live with men, I think it's equally hard work for them to learn to relate well to men... they've just convinced themselves that they really don't need to do that work or learn anything.

² Please note that men don't complain about how much work a relationship is. Men, in my experience, simply accept hard work as the price to be paid for success. Rather, I hear men complaining about the prize at the end, the reward for all of that hard labour. If men worked hard at a relationship and then received love and appreciation as the result I doubt that you would hear any complaints. Rather, men these days work hard at relationships and are shit on as their reward. That's when you hear them complaining.

Alternatives to Dating Up Myths & Truth Women to Avoid Women to Avoid II Decline of the American Woman Sensitive Men Tom Leykis Alternatives to Dating Don't Get Married The Princess
	Thoughts for the day, after reading more of NiceGuy's reader feedback. Originally written 03 July 2002, Wednesday 13:25. Relationships are like a career. You have to do career training. A deep love relationship with a woman¹ requires a lot of false starts, acres and acres of time and energy, and a commitment to constant improvement and refinement. Whether you want to call that other person The Other, a woman, the love of your life, or whatever her name is—whatever role she's filling at any given moment—the fact is that relating to her and living with her isn't something you can derive from theory (otherwise I'd be good at it). To really have a relationship with a woman work, you have to put more time and energy into it than you put into your career, your leisure time, or even yourself. After you've put in all of that energy and time, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. Now, most men opt for relationships with women, and then end up—one way or another—devoting most of their waking hours to getting that relationship to work out well. Along the way, these men must wonder (I know that I do) whether all of this is worth the trouble. Especially these days, when (American) women tend to treat men like imbeciles, contemptible lower life forms, and/or servants, it's becoming increasingly open to question whether these women are worth the effort. Now, there is a minority of men publicly asking exactly that... and this even though most men don't even think about how much work a relationship is until they're in the midst of one. It must be getting bad when men on the outside of relationships looking in wonder if they should even bother, and men caught in the mælstrom of a relationship receive such a strong impression that they can perceive it above the din of the endless demands of their female partners. Yes, it must be getting bad indeed. The only problem is, what's the alternative? Spend less time working on the relationship and more time making yourself happy? That's just a ticket to an even worse relationship, since no matter how good or awful your partner is, the thing still requires work, time, and effort.² The only alternative, really, is to eschew long-term relationships altogether. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't get laid. It just means that the whole dream—that of a stable marriage with a woman who appreciates you as much as you appreciate her, a reasonable woman who isn't afraid of hard work and who sees the two of you as a cooperating team—just isn't what it used to be, so one logical conclusion is that you should enjoy a woman's company until she becomes irritating, and then get rid of her. Another possibility is to become a monk and have no relationships with women that are not purely platonic. Now, this doesn't mean that women won't still be hitting on you. Even if you became a priest and went around with a cassock and collar on all day long, I'm sure that women would still hit on you. They seem to have a fascination for things they're not allowed to have. Go figure. However, if you could remember what the alternative to abstinence is (misery), I figure that you could brave it for a lifetime. A third possibility is to make yourself useless to women. Here is a page torn from Jesus' book. Jesus admonished all of us to give up our worldly possessions and follow Him. I think that in some senses this is a purely practical piece of advice. I mean, think of this. If you gave up on the male imperative to make lots of money, then you could live a much happier and lower-stress life. Why do you want to make lots of money anyway? Well, you could be very comfortable and be spared unpleasant things about life (or so you think). The reality is that money brings women, and they bring their demands, and soon you don't have enough money any more. I know. I used to have more than enough money for my needs. Now I don't have enough. The only thing that changed was that I got married. So why do you want lots of money? Well, the other common reason is to impress women. However, again, money only attracts women; it doesn't impress them. Nothing will ever impress them. They'll simply spend your money (as they consider it their birthright to do) and then demand more. So, no joy there. Now, imagine yourself as relatively poor. You have enough to get by, but just scrape by. You do what you enjoy and get paid poorly for it. You volunteer to become a missionary in Guatemala and help people for the rest of your life. Guess what? The only women you'll attract will want you as a little bit on the side. If you look good and are fun to be with, you may be a boy toy, but no woman would think of marrying you and putting the monkey on your back, because you simply aren't useful to her to better her own life. So, self-imposed poverty is also self-imposed single-hood, which might just be the happiest state you can be in as a man.

	¹ Probably for gay couples as well. I just prefer to write about my experience. As for women's experiences trying to learn to live with men, I think it's equally hard work for them to learn to relate well to men... they've just convinced themselves that they really don't need to do that work or learn anything. ² Please note that men don't complain about how much work a relationship is. Men, in my experience, simply accept hard work as the price to be paid for success. Rather, I hear men complaining about the prize at the end, the reward for all of that hard labour. If men worked hard at a relationship and then received love and appreciation as the result I doubt that you would hear any complaints. Rather, men these days work hard at relationships and are shit on as their reward. That's when you hear them complaining.