And now, a few jokes about relationships and marriage....
Oh, I know. There are hundreds of jokes out there about marriage, about stupid / rotten / angry husbands and wives. It would be boring (and exhausting) to post them all here. The ones I have included say something to me about men's experiences in a relationship.
It used to be that men's point of view about marriage was all you heard in the media. That was wrong, and it's since been corrected, perhaps a little too well. Now the only place I hear men's point of view about relationships and marriage is on the Web, where nobody can shut us out. So, to add to the revival, here are a few.
Before It Starts
Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
She sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer; it's going to start any minute."
His wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...."
Keith sighs and says, "It's started...."
Crystal Ball
I must admit that I laughed at this joke. I love jokes with a twist at the end. However, a second later I realized: this wouldn't be funny if it were a man going to the fortune teller rather than a woman. Doesn't that say something about my—and society's—attitudes toward the sexes?
Visiting a fair recently, Edna saw a fortune teller and slipped off to see her. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Edna stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument
This one is funny only because no man in his right mind would say any of these things to a woman during an argument. This is the paradox of modern feminism in one joke: "We're tough and we run the house. Cross us at your own peril," and "We're victims oppressed by our husbands and by the patriarchy. Give us a leg up." So, if women are so rough and tough, how come they need so many special services just for them?
- Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
- Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
- You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.
- Wait a minute—I get it. What time of the month is it?
- You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
- I'm sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
- Whoa, time out. Football is on.
- Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
- Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
- Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
